I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
