I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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