does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
