I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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