He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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