I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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