census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We're too hungover to prance.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
