I wanna bring you to show and tell
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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