I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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