My first STD was from a foam party
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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