Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
