You just made me feel so damn special
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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