Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
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As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
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I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves