No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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