but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
