Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
