Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she pinky promised me she was 18
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
