we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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