Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
