i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
