I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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