I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
