she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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