Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
