They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
