Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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