I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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