so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
