Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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