this boner is exhausting
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
