i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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