I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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