News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
