sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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