this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
