I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
