We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
