Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
