There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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