You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
