the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I wear drunk well.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
