Sponge bath it is.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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