Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
