Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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