fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
