I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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