I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
