I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
