YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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