sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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