Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
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Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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