So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
