I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
