i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
