I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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