I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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