11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
