every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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