If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
